apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
