Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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