I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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