I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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