i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
