I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
