Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
