I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I deserve this hangover.
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