I just threw up on my dentist
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
