when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
