so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
