I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she smelled like a LAN party
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
