On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
