i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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