K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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