you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
