they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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