Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
