my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize