My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
