**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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