Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
