Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
