I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
