Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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