My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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