I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
