i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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