What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
