i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
