I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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