i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize