Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
