Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
