I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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