She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
