It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
