drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
