i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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