I puked a lego.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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