I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
