I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
