I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
