What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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