I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
