Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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