I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
