You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
