I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
