Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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