sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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