Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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