Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
