dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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