I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
