saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
