Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize