I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize